Heart of Darkness

Chapter 44

Jedah wasn’t certain how he could reply to Zelgadis’ admission. “That wasn’t truly you, Zelgadis. It was part Shabranigdo using you as a puppet through Rezo…” It sounded pretty pathetic to Jedah too. “This is incredible,” Jedah said, getting up from his seat and beginning to pace as if he were simply a mortal. He placed his hand over his eyes for a moment, pinched at the bridge of his nose and turned to look to Zelgadis.

“Listen to me. I’m a Mazoku, and I’m standing here telling you that atrocious acts that you committed weren’t your fault.” It was pretty absurd, and Jedah had to laugh at it. Shaking his head, he looked out the window for a moment before he looked back to Zelgadis. “This just tops every absurdity I’ve ever encountered… let alone created.”

The look that he got from Zelgadis was dry and disbelieving. “After everything I’ve just discovered, do you honestly expect me to believe anything that you say or do? You’ve lied to me, Jedah, if that is your name. You’ve lied to me since the beginning. You hadn’t been looking for me since you learned I’d run away to live with Rezo. You aren’t my brother. You aren’t even mortal!” Anger built behind every word, the cold anger fueled by the pain of betrayal.

“Neither are you, Zelgadis!” Jedah snapped in reply. His own magic flared with his anger, and he turned away from Zelgadis, fighting to contain it. Anger and magic often ran hand in hand, and Jedah’s was all too close to his skin. Damn his heart. “None of this was my choice, Zelgadis,” he said quietly, fixing his gaze at a point just before the wall of the cabin. “I preferred to be your hopelessly lucky little brother, wide-eyed and underfoot. I didn’t want this, you didn’t want this. But now, we’re here, and we have to make the best of the situation that we find ourselves in.”

There was a pause, a flicker of… something that tried to attract Jedah’s attention. He pushed it aside, ignoring it in favor of watching Zelgadis. It was becoming harder and harder to read the man in black, as if he were starting to take the steps required to block Jedah from his mind. The mental tug came again, more insistent, and Jedah frowned internally. Someone wanted his attention badly.

Xellos, go see to that. I’m busy.

It wasn’t quite an order, but it was close, and Xellos knew not to push Jedah. He still wasn’t fully recovered, but he’d go. It was probably nothing that he couldn’t handle anyway. With a mental bow, the Trickster Priest faded from the shadows of Jedah’s mind and went to investigate what was trying to get Jedah’s attention.

“You’re powerful, Zelgadis. Too powerful. You don’t know the half of what you can do,” Jedah continued, having given no outward indication of the mental tug or the nudging of Xellos. His shoulders drooped; he did it without realizing it, the mortal mannerisms too deeply ingrained by the years of pretending to be the hapless brother. “What you did in Ambervale was trivial compared to your full powers. I couldn’t even contain you myself if you were hell-bent on doing something.” He couldn’t keep Zelgadis here if he wanted to leave. He couldn’t fight him. It was beyond rank, beyond ability. It was the simple fact that Jedah considered himself unlucky enough to have a heart. He turned, looking to Zelgadis calmly with those winter blue eyes, waiting to see what the man he’d called brother would do.

Zelgadis could sense Jedah’s anxiety, could read the man who was Mazoku as easily as he could read a book. It was strange, how easily his thoughts could flicker through Jedah’s, how easily he could read that Jedah wasn’t lying, that he was laying the cold, hard, honest truth out on the line and taking it on some bizarre form of faith that Zelgadis would believe.

It unsettled Zelgadis that Jedah couldn’t tell that his thoughts were so open. It disturbed him that he couldn’t see any reason not to trust Jedah now. He knew Jedah spoke the truth, even as he knew that Jedah had lied in the past. And yet, Zelgadis didn’t want to trust. To trust would mean that he accepted. And accepting was the last thing on Zelgadis’ mind.

Instinct said to fight… but what instinct? Man, or Mazoku? What was he? Zelgadis longed to know who and what he was, for he certainly wasn’t just your average creature. Almost any answer would do, as long as it was a truthful answer. Was he Man, was he Mazoku… was he worse? He had a suspicion, but he had no answers. And to get an answer… he had to ask a question. And that question wasn’t an easy one to ask.

As Jedah watched, he could see the natures; see the shadow of the Mazoku that Zelgadis could be. He could see the darkening; see the pall that it cast over the man in the chair across the room from him. He saw it all and he regretted it. He regretted that too, for he knew that he shouldn’t regret anything, but while he was at it, he might as well make use of it. There were, at times, distinct disadvantages to being who and what he was. Hearts had the audacity to be embarrassing.

“So… what am I, Jedah? Who am I? Am I some terrible creature created by Shabranigdo to exact some horrible retribution on the world?” A thought occurred to Zelgadis and he sat up straight, the shadow of the Mazoku casting a terrifyingly dark glint in his almost-sapphire eyes. “Jedah, are you telling me that I’m supposed to be Hellmaster?”

Silence stretched within the one-room cabin, a silence that weighed heavily on both the one who had asked and the one who had yet to answer.

“No, Zelgadis,” Jedah finally replied with a soft sigh. “That’s who I am.”